Why some men have sex with men but arent gay

Should we suspect them of actually being straight or bi? We cannot always be defined by what we do sexually. It allows for nuance. On the other hand, labels can become confining rather than enlightening. Ironically, adult men being sexual with a man helps them feel that missing connection.

Large nationally representative surveys show that hundreds of thousands of straight men — at least — have had sex with two or more other men. Many boys while growing up participate in secret bonding experiences with other boys by masturbating together, and even masturbating each other circle jerks.

Consider this: When a woman watches lesbian porn or admits to having fantasies about hooking up with another woman, she is accepted, even fetishized. They may have been sexually abused by a man as a child, and the urges they feel are the product of the trauma they endured.

At some point in our sexual experience, labels can be important—quite liberating and affirming. Using this stricture as a guide, a man who has sex with another male must be gay (or bisexual at the least). There are several problems with imposing a label on these men.

The truth is that many men who have sex with men aren't gay or even bisexual. According to nationally-representative surveys in the United States, hundreds of thousands of straight-identified men have had sex with other men. In my book, Still Straight: Sexual Flexibility among White Men in Rural America, I investigate why some men who identify as straight have sex with other men.

A person must feel it and identify with it from the inside. The gay or bi boy may be secretly and eagerly waiting for the next invitation. Although their mental and emotional state resembles that of the initial stages of coming out, gay and bisexual men go on to develop a gay or a bisexual identity, whereas these men don't.

By having sex with a man, they may be seeking resolution of the trauma also known as trauma reenactment, not an actual sexual attraction , a trauma urge. Male Bonding. Anal Sex. For them, it simply is a transactional event, nothing to do with their sexual identity.

They would never identify as being gay or bisexual. They were simply attracted to the sexual contact they were sharing, thrilled by the taboo adventure of it. Youthful Noticing: In your youth, do you remember crushing on other boys or men, being distracted in the shower by the sight of naked men, or masturbating to other guys?

But what if the men in question identify as heterosexual?. Here are the four questions that can be easily answered. Most often they grow up to be happily married to a woman, never having thought of themselves as gay or bi. First, sexual or erotic identity cannot be determined from the outside.

In the new book Still Straight: Sexual Flexibility among White Men in Rural America, UBC sociologist Dr. Tony Silva argues that these men are not closeted, bisexual or just experimenting. Most gay and bisexual men answer yes. This seems to me to be a good development. Many women experience this and are not labeled as lesbians or bisexual.

Sex becomes an easy way to experience a connection, if only temporarily. Posted July 13, Reviewed by Lybi Ma. These can sometimes help people self-identify and find a community they can feel at home in, and they can also serve as an instrument for self-advocacy and empowerment.

Straight men, on the other hand, remember no such attraction or interest. Sometimes their wife has discovered their Internet searches, prompting one or both into coming into my office. Childhood Sexual Abuse. Some of them had no father or other male attachment figure, they may have been disenfranchised by other males growing up, and have a deep desire to connect to another male.

In my practice, I come across many men who identify as straight but engage in having sex with men or are attracted to watching gay porn.